I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am a cake snob. Perhaps its my love of baking, or my obsession with unusual flavours, or the fact I've been spoilt by visiting some really very nice places; but I turn my nose up at bad bakes, especially the pre-packed things you might find on the shelves of your local supermarket. Take a hike Mr Kipling, I only want the good stuff!
Unfortunately my snobbery doesn't end there.. I'm not a fan of cupcakes. As popular as they may be, I just don't understand the hype. An oversized plain sponge piled high with sickly sweet buttercream, which is a) hard to get your chops around - do you eat some icing first, or peel back the paper case and attempt to get a bit of both - and b) you get bored half way through, because they're always so bloomin' massive. They lure you in with their beautiful decoration, then leave you high and dry with disappointment. Typical false promise cakes.
Ok, I admit, I am guilty of making them on the odd occasion, but by mixing zests or jams into the cake mixture, and switching to a more grown-up cream cheese frosting, its kind of acceptable in my eyes.
Sod the OTT American treats, in true British fashion, I like nothing more than a cup of tea and a slice of cake. So, it was a good week when I had two afternoon tea's planned within four days of one another. Call me what you like, I know I'm greedy.
Firstly, and luckily for me, a friend had decided to celebrate her birthday in style this year, and had arranged for a group of us to go to Sketch in London for High Tea. Now, as much as I'd love to go and ponce around in The Ritz or The Savoy sampling their afternoon delights, this place was much more up my street. It has all the grandiose that you might associate with 'upper class dining', but none of the pretentiousness; from the chirpy doorman in his top and tails, to the striking bald lady who showed us through the late-night-fun-house styled building, and to Barney, our inexplicably charming waiter for the day.
We were seated in 'The Gallery', quite fitting for us art-minded ladies, in which the entire space, conceived by Turner Prize winning artist Martin Creed, had been transformed from a dining room into an installation. Blurring the boundaries between art and functionality, Creed's Work No.1347 sees 96 different types of marble, zigzagging their way across the floor, whilst Work No.1343 is a feature in which every single piece of cutlery, glass, table and chair used is different. Sketch seamlessly presents itself as a hub for art, food and design. Just perfect.
So, when in Rome, and all that jazz, I decided to push the boat out and opted for the Queen's Afternoon Tea, which kicked off with a Dubonnet & Gin; apparently a favourite tipple of Her Royal Majesty's. Then out came pots of tea, of which I chose rose bud, and numerous cake stands, plates and bowls filled with treats, I'm surprised the table wasn't heaving underneath all that weight.
Starting from the bottom with all the savories, we had a mozzarella and pesto croque monsieur, that was gorgeously wrapped up in paper with a ribbon bow; a cucumber and ricotta sandwich, topped with asparagus; mini smoked salmon and cream cheese triangles, adorned with salmon eggs and dill, on bread which resembled a Jacob's Cracker; and a classic egg mayonnaise, crowned with a quails egg and caviar. Then we dabbled in some of the bubblegum flavoured marshmallows that were littered across the table, before going in on the scones. Still warm, we had a choice of jams, and even the clotted cream was delicately presented with blueberries and edible flowers.
Chit chats and toilet breaks (you MUST marvel at the loo's.. think Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy) and we were ready to hit the hard stuff. A deconstructed strawberry cheesecake in a glass, so light and airy; a coffee eclair, which packed a punch despite being the size of my little finger; the Sketch opera, thin layers of sponge, ganache and what seemed to be caramel, so irresistibly shiny; an almond and berry tart, graced with crystallized redcurrants, a lovely balance between sharp and sweet; a mousse-like meringue cake, flavoured with Pinot Grigiot and possibly passion fruit - there were far too many things to remember; two bitesize raspberry meringues, sandwiched together with a tangy raspberry jam; and lastly, my favourite, a pistachio macaroon, which housed a boozy cherry of sorts.
It was EPIC, and for £40 without service charge, I thought it was actually quite good value. They also do gluten free and vegan options for those with dietary requirements, so no one has to miss out.
After this, I knew that my other planned tea would never be able to compete, but with the addition of a spa treatment, it made for an equally special day out. As a belated birthday present for my mum, I had booked an 'Afternoon Delight' package for the two of us at Montpellier Chapter in Cheltenham. For £35 each, a steal if you ask me, we were greeted with a pot of herbal tea, and invited to make use of the steam room and relaxation room - generously stocked with current magazines, water, dried fruit and nuts, and samples of the skincare they use. A good 45 minutes later, we each went off for our treatments; you can choose from any of their 30 minute options, my mum went for a rejuvenating facial, whilst I, after much deliberation, chose a bespoke back massage. As it turns out, I've got a few knots around my shoulders, and despite the girl being quite young and petite, she sure did a sterling job, even in just half an hour. Oh, and my mum's facial was so good that she almost fell asleep, and has been raving about how her skin has felt ever since.
Following that, we went into the bar/conservatory area for our afternoon tea, which, quite controversially, we had with coffee because we needed a pick me up after all that pampering. Delicate finger sandwiches, all crustless and uniform; cucumber, smoked salmon and cream cheese, and ham and wholegrain mustard. A modest sultana scone, which we dolloped an almost obscene amount of clotted cream and strawberry jam on - I still can never decide which order they should be applied. Then a selection of classic's; an eclair, a miniature tea loaf, an individual victoria sponge, and a fruit tart filled with the richest vanilla custard.
As Goldilocks might say, it was just right.
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