Afternoon Tea at Malmaison Cheltenham

Us Brits do love an afternoon tea. It's an act steeped in history thanks to that early nineteenth century pro-snacker Anna the 7th Duchess of Bedford, and has always had this high society, upper class feel to it. Elegant and indulgent; sipping tea and nibbling crustless sandwiches and delicate fancies. Oh how the other half live!

It's no secret that I'm a lover of this ritual - at half past three, everything stops for tea - and have written about a few of my experiences before (see here). However, it really is one of life's little luxuries, and I only ever really go for afternoon tea on special occasions. Lets face it, if I were to scoff copious amounts of cake on a regular basis, I'd definitely start resembling the Michelin man in no time at all.

So, with that in mind, I was delighted when a little email arrived inviting me to Cheltenham's Malmaison to test out their afternoon tea (permission to gorge without cause granted). Soon enough, after a much needed half day at work on a Friday, off I went - friend in tow - to see what all the fuss was about.

In case you've been living under a rock for that past couple of months, Malmaison has found its home in what used to be Montpellier Chapter. From first glance, you can't really notice any change, other than maybe a couple of widescreen TVs in the lounge areas and a completely different menu coming from the kitchen, but that's fine; it was lovely hotel before anyway, so if it ain't broke, don't fix it - capiche?

It was gloriously sunny and were sat in the conservatory - slight risk of feeling like an ant under a magnifying glass on such a day - though surrounded by all the big leafy greens, with a gentle breeze coming through the open door, and a cold glass of Mumm Rosé Champagne in hand, we could hardly complain.

Malmaison's afternoon tea is a bit more contemporary than most - especially in comparison to the countrified Cotswolds versions. The triangular sandwiches have been ousted, instead being replaced by wraps and a burger; there's not a tart in sight, and we have a selection of gluten free goodies alongside a fruit smoothie?! Don't worry though, I very much doubt that there's an inch of health in that smoothie (healthiness doesn't come into question with afternoon tea - ever); it's basically a mini milkshake, and delicious it is too. Oh and there's a fruit scone, obviously.

Starting savoury, we headed to the burger first. A perfectly formed shiny bun, with a decent sized patty in the middle. Despite my doubts, it was super juicy and had just enough sauce, with a crisp lettuce leave adding a bit of crunch. Being a little pedantic though, we both felt it could have done with a bit more seasoning.

The wraps were a good touch - slightly less bread to fill up on - but I couldn't find much crème fraîche with my salmon. And with the chicken and avocado one, although the chipotle mayo had the right reddish hue, it wasn't smoky or spicy at all. C'est la vie.

The scones were crumbly and packed with fruit, but we were surprised that they came with mini jars of Bonne Maman - classic - but a jam made in-house or something local would've been more impressive. And we couldn't quite put our finger on what was different about the clotted cream either; it didn't have that thick gloopy texture you usually get, as if it was maybe a lower fat version…?! Clearly we're too used to Rodda's Cornish cream.

Struggling slightly, we worked our way through the sweet treats (admittedly not being able to finish everything). The lemon and polenta cake (GF) was just my cup of tea; slightly sharp, sticky and nutty. And I always approve of jazzing things up up with pistachios. The salted chocolate brownie was also gluten free, making it super moist and almost truffle like.

The pavlova was a welcome 'lighter' addition, and the meringue base held itself well; had it have been any more mallowy in the middle, I can imagine it'd have been near impossible to pick up and eat. The frozen summer berry smoothie acted as some sort of palate cleanser between each sweet, and I saved my favourite until last - the rhubarb cream. Tangy pieces of rhubarb in syrup lay at the bottom of a shot glass, topped with a set rich vanilla cream and a final layer of rhubarb jelly. A pick me up at the end of a weighty afternoon, although the tea spoons were a bit too big to reach the bottom of the glass - doh!

All in all, a hotel afternoon tea with a twist, and at £17.50pp with your pot of tea (more if you opt for champagne or cocktails), Malmaison has it at a really good price too. I'd say it's a lot more man friendly than most, and an easy crowd pleaser for the family. Perhaps not snazzy enough to take your mum for Mother's Day though - stick to Ellenborough Park for that.

A Tale of Two Teas

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I am a cake snob. Perhaps its my love of baking, or my obsession with unusual flavours, or the fact I've been spoilt by visiting some really very nice places; but I turn my nose up at bad bakes, especially the pre-packed things you might find on the shelves of your local supermarket. Take a hike Mr Kipling, I only want the good stuff!

Unfortunately my snobbery doesn't end there.. I'm not a fan of cupcakes. As popular as they may be, I just don't understand the hype. An oversized plain sponge piled high with sickly sweet buttercream, which is a) hard to get your chops around - do you eat some icing first, or peel back the paper case and attempt to get a bit of both - and b) you get bored half way through, because they're always so bloomin' massive. They lure you in with their beautiful decoration, then leave you high and dry with disappointment. Typical false promise cakes.

Ok, I admit, I am guilty of making them on the odd occasion, but by mixing zests or jams into the cake mixture, and switching to a more grown-up cream cheese frosting, its kind of acceptable in my eyes.

Sod the OTT American treats, in true British fashion, I like nothing more than a cup of tea and a slice of cake. So, it was a good week when I had two afternoon tea's planned within four days of one another. Call me what you like, I know I'm greedy.

Firstly, and luckily for me, a friend had decided to celebrate her birthday in style this year, and had arranged for a group of us to go to Sketch in London for High Tea. Now, as much as I'd love to go and ponce around in The Ritz or The Savoy sampling their afternoon delights, this place was much more up my street. It has all the grandiose that you might associate with 'upper class dining', but none of the pretentiousness; from the chirpy doorman in his top and tails, to the striking bald lady who showed us through the late-night-fun-house styled building, and to Barney, our inexplicably charming waiter for the day.

We were seated in 'The Gallery', quite fitting for us art-minded ladies, in which the entire space, conceived by Turner Prize winning artist Martin Creed, had been transformed from a dining room into an installation. Blurring the boundaries between art and functionality, Creed's Work No.1347 sees 96 different types of marble, zigzagging their way across the floor, whilst Work No.1343 is a feature in which every single piece of cutlery, glass, table and chair used is different. Sketch seamlessly presents itself as a hub for art, food and design. Just perfect.

So, when in Rome, and all that jazz, I decided to push the boat out and opted for the Queen's Afternoon Tea, which kicked off with a Dubonnet & Gin; apparently a favourite tipple of Her Royal Majesty's. Then out came pots of tea, of which I chose rose bud, and numerous cake stands, plates and bowls filled with treats, I'm surprised the table wasn't heaving underneath all that weight.

Starting from the bottom with all the savories, we had a mozzarella and pesto croque monsieur, that was gorgeously wrapped up in paper with a ribbon bow; a cucumber and ricotta sandwich, topped with asparagus; mini smoked salmon and cream cheese triangles, adorned with salmon eggs and dill, on bread which resembled a Jacob's Cracker; and a classic egg mayonnaise, crowned with a quails egg and caviar. Then we dabbled in some of the bubblegum flavoured marshmallows that were littered across the table, before going in on the scones. Still warm, we had a choice of jams, and even the clotted cream was delicately presented with blueberries and edible flowers.

Chit chats and toilet breaks (you MUST marvel at the loo's.. think Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy) and we were ready to hit the hard stuff. A deconstructed strawberry cheesecake in a glass, so light and airy; a coffee eclair, which packed a punch despite being the size of my little finger; the Sketch opera, thin layers of sponge, ganache and what seemed to be caramel, so irresistibly shiny; an almond and berry tart, graced with crystallized redcurrants, a lovely balance between sharp and sweet; a mousse-like meringue cake, flavoured with Pinot Grigiot and possibly passion fruit - there were far too many things to remember; two bitesize raspberry meringues, sandwiched together with a tangy raspberry jam; and lastly, my favourite, a pistachio macaroon, which housed a boozy cherry of sorts.

It was EPIC, and for £40 without service charge, I thought it was actually quite good value. They also do gluten free and vegan options for those with dietary requirements, so no one has to miss out.

After this, I knew that my other planned tea would never be able to compete, but with the addition of a spa treatment, it made for an equally special day out. As a belated birthday present for my mum, I had booked an 'Afternoon Delight' package for the two of us at Montpellier Chapter in Cheltenham. For £35 each, a steal if you ask me, we were greeted with a pot of herbal tea, and invited to make use of the steam room and relaxation room - generously stocked with current magazines, water, dried fruit and nuts, and samples of the skincare they use. A good 45 minutes later, we each went off for our treatments; you can choose from any of their 30 minute options, my mum went for a rejuvenating facial, whilst I, after much deliberation, chose a bespoke back massage. As it turns out, I've got a few knots around my shoulders, and despite the girl being quite young and petite, she sure did a sterling job, even in just half an hour. Oh, and my mum's facial was so good that she almost fell asleep, and has been raving about how her skin has felt ever since.

Following that, we went into the bar/conservatory area for our afternoon tea, which, quite controversially, we had with coffee because we needed a pick me up after all that pampering. Delicate finger sandwiches, all crustless and uniform; cucumber, smoked salmon and cream cheese, and ham and wholegrain mustard. A modest sultana scone, which we dolloped an almost obscene amount of clotted cream and strawberry jam on - I still can never decide which order they should be applied. Then a selection of classic's; an eclair, a miniature tea loaf, an individual victoria sponge, and a fruit tart filled with the richest vanilla custard.

As Goldilocks might say, it was just right.